I have experience in the world of online dating, I'll admit that freely. And throughout my rather extended time on these sites, I've picked up on a few patterns and fundamental mistakes that both men and women make when trying out online dating. I do have to mention, first, that I have a slight beef with these dating websites themselves. I know they have to make money to pay for the domain name and all the space they're taking up, but to charge a fee to even get a membership is a bit ridiculous. Clearly these people are having a hard time meeting people face to face, but does that mean that they should have to shell out a chunk of money to a website that may or may not help them find the one person they want to be with? Some sites only charge for certain features, like seeing when the last time someone viewed you is. Well what the hell? Why can't we all see that? Is that feature that enticing that you think a lot of people will want to pay for it? You can pay for a "gold" membership, or the like, which I suppose indicates that you might be a bit more dedicated to finding someone, but what do you get with it? More photo posting space? A fancy background on your profile? Are these things really necessary? So few opt to pay for that extra membership, that it, in my opinion, need not exist at all. Just bump up your adsense and make money that way. Let the rest of us find love for free.
Even if it is free to join the site and stay for as long as you want, there are certain negative things that come with it. You find yourself sneaking around, quickly switching to a different page when someone walks past, determined to never let anyone know you're on a dating website. Because that would be absolutely mortifying. Even more mortifying is the chance of coming across the profile of someone you know! I've come across profiles for a handful of guys I went to school with, and even two of my exes. It's really not as mortifying as you think it is... or even if it is, it's probably just as embarrassing for them too. After all, you're not the only one on the site, they're there too. Of course the reverse can happen too. You could cross paths in real life with someone whose profile you viewed a few days before. It's happened to me. That's really not that bad either. Now lets say you do meet someone online, you hit it off, and you start a relationship. There's that awkward question from your friends and family "how did you two meet, anyways?". Hmm... Do you lie, or tell the truth? What will they think? Does it really matter what they think? Does it even matter how you met?
Online dating doesn't make you creepy, pathetic, or desperate. If you are those things, you were prior to joining the site, and you probably will be long after you leave the site. You might want to get help for that.
Sometimes online dating can feel like you're fishing for sea bass in a river in the prairies. So many to choose from, but where is that rare fish that is meant for you? The one that doesn't quite belong, a profile that stands out from all the rest... one that doesn't make the usual mistakes, and seems like a genuinely great person. Until you find that sea bass (or a dolphin, whatever you prefer) in the prairie river, it usually feels like you're sleeping with the fishes (in the mob sense of the term). And it doesn't help that there never seems to be anyone new on these sites... it's just the same guys and gals every day of the week. Even the so called "new matches" for the week are the same people, recycled. Honestly, online dating can seem like a meat market... everyone's right there, waiting for you to choose from. You don't have to question whether or not he or she is single. You can take more time to make the perfect first impression. So why doesn't anyone?!
Here are 50+ fundamental mistakes made by people when it comes to online dating (in no particular order, many grouped together).
Men and women both write short, generic, or nonexistent profiles. The generic version may include comments such as "I enjoy going to the gym, watching sports, and camping" or "I love shopping, puppies, and going out with friends!" and will typically be generic for the area in which you live. FYI, going to the gym is not a hobby, it's a lifestyle. Shopping is also not a hobby, it's a sign that you like to throw your money around. Some admit that they don't know what to write, while others have the nerve to write "just ask". Why the hell should I ask? Why would anyone want to waste their time trying to figure out who you are, just to find out that besides being attractive, nothing about you is their type? Good lord, at least put something in there about yourself!
The use of song lyrics as your profile. Both men and women do this, though the song choice is very different. Just don't do it. There's no originality, nothing pertinent or relevant, and nothing remotely interesting about song lyrics in a profile. Come up with something on your own. Merely regurgitating a song and failing to add anything that your own brain could have created tells me you might not have any functioning brain cells.
Acting as though he or she doesn't really want to be a member of the site. "I'm not really into online dating, but...", "Joined as a joke...", or "kind of embarrassed about being here..." are all common opening lines for profiles. Then there are the people (men and women) who act as though they are too good for the site. You're not too good for the site, and stating that you're wasting your time being there isn't going to make men or women flock to you. In fact, it makes them want you less. Lose the attitude or get lost. No one made you join, and no one is making you stay.
Not believing any good men or women still exist, and stating it in your profile. Are you trying to get them to prove their existence? They aren't leprechauns or fairies, they're there, they're real, and if you don't see them, you need to have your eyes checked. You're either blind to the world, or you're passive aggressively whining about a lack of good men/women to get them to step up to the plate. Unfortunately, in the process, you remove yourself from the list of good men/women. Perhaps you should step up to meet them.
Ladies... please, for the love of all that is good in this world, do not use the sentence "I'm not like most girls". Yes, yes you are. You are just like most girls, and guess what? Most girls also said they were not like most girls. Please, just realize, that while you may be an individual, you may be unique in your own ways, you are still like most girls... because you are a girl. Unless you're a complete tomboy, or don't like anything remotely feminine, you are indeed like most girls. You play the same games, think the same way, and want the same guys that most girls do.
There's a section you have to fill out on a certain, well, fishy, website that indicates what you're looking for. I'm particularly fond of the option "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment". So, quick question... why exactly are you here? On the same website, you have to choose your level of education. I'm sorry, Mr. 21 years old, but you do not have a graduate degree. You've been out of high school for three years, and a graduate degree would take you at least six years. Do you even know what a graduate degree is?
Lying. Why bother? If you ever met up, the other person would find out eventually that you're not really a model or a firefighter. I don't care if those are more interesting occupations than a receptionist and a janitor... I don't care if you work at an electronics store, a grocery store, a restaurant, or if you're a CEO of some big company somewhere. You have to be honest, because no relationship can work based on lies. And no one likes being lied too. Have you ever noticed on these sites that every girl is a supposed model. Good grief.
Height and body type. I've found that a lot of people either lie or are delusional when it comes to this part of their profile. Girls and guys lie differently here, girls are a bit hard on themselves, and guys are much more delusional. Ladies tend to underestimate their body type, or are rather accurate. An average girl may put "a few extra pounds" or a girl who is a few extra pounds might put "average". But typically girls aren't that far off in their estimations. Sometimes you'll see a girl who has low self esteem choose something a little bit off, but that's not overly common. Girls almost never lie about their height, because they have no need to... it's okay to be a short girl, a little less okay to be a tall girl, but it is what it is. I say almost because I've seen a girl lie about her height first hand. She claimed to be 5'5", but was probably closer to 5'7" or 5'8". She also lied about her weight and said she was athletic when she was actually a bit heavier than average. She was so concerned that the guy would be lying about being 6' tall, because she wanted to wear heels... if you're 5'5", you're fine to wear heels even if the guy is actually 5'10". Red flag. She was clearly more than 1.5 inches taller than me, and if she was athletic, I'm a flipping twig.
Guy's on the other hand lie, and lie often. A short guy is honest about his height. A tall guy is honest about his height. The guy who's 5'11" or just over, is the most likely to lie and say he's 6'. Probably because he's most likely to get away with it. Weight wise, they lie all the time. A thin guy is thin, an athletic guy is athletic. An average guy is athletic, a guy with a few extra pounds is average. Then there are those (men and women) who chose prefer not to say. Which is entirely pointless because there's a photo of you on your profile, come on! I can see that you're not athletic, buddy... your double chin and chubby cheeks, and the bulging tummy tell me that. Sorry to disappoint. Also, what do you consider athletic? Can you run a mile? Can you lift 150lbs? Or can you just climb a set of stairs without sweating too much? Should we have a different option, somewhere between athletic and average? I feel like we may be missing some people here.
Speaking of photos. Uh oh, you're gonna get an earful now. Guys, for the love of God, please don't put a shirtless mirror picture up. Also, don't put up a shirtless photo that your buddy took in your bathroom/bedroom/living room/kitchen, etc. That's just awkward. Very little is douche-ier than the shirtless photo for the sake of having a shirtless photo. Even worse is when your pants are so low that we can almost see everything else too. Have you never heard of leaving something to the imagination? *^%*. Really though, there is one type of acceptable shirtless photo. Beach photos... maybe you went on vacation, or maybe you were out boating with friends, wake boarding, etc... or maybe you're a competitive swimmer (or just like swimming). Feel free to post pictures of yourself at the beach, on a boat, or at the pool, shirtless. Otherwise, please keep the shirt on. Don't even lift it to show your abs. There are girl versions of this mistake too, and these should be avoided as well. The chest shot... it's common, and it's distasteful. You've pulled your shirt down farther to show a bit of your lacy bra and a lot of your cleavage, or you've angled the camera just right to give the world a peek of what's down your shirt. Even better are the mirror photos of you in your bra and panties. Do you have no self respect? Honestly... keep your cloths on, the world can infer what you look like under it all, without you showing them, it's not like you wear a garbage bag that hides your body shape. Again, the only acceptable mostly bare body shot is in a bikini at the beach, or on a boat. Not in a mirror, or a photo shot by you for the sake of showing a bunch of dudes what you look like under your clothes. Show some self respect already.
Other picture problems include, but are not limited to: webcam photos (crappy quality, even your cell phone probably takes better photos, particularly if you have a fancy iPhone); posting photos of you drunk (men and women) or drinking in excess (beer bongs, and drinking from a jug, or straight from the bottle of vodka... it is, however okay to show you having a drink while out with friends in a tasteful photo); posting photos of you doing stupid **** like hanging off a bridge or doing a wheely on your crotch rocket while you speed down the highway, photos of you wearing sunglasses, particularly inside the house; overly sexual photos; exposing yourself in your photo; you not being IN your photo; not stating which person you are in a group photo, particularly if it's the only photo of you on your profile; posting photos of you surrounded by attractive men/women, particularly if they're half naked (whatever is the opposite sex for you and matching the gender you're interested in, it may make your potential match up feel inadequate), without indicating that he or she is your sister, brother, bestfriend, etc; posting photos with your ex; tasteless/unclassy photos (you've all seen them); posting a photo of you smoking when you claim not to; photos of you doing drugs; and for the ladies - pouty photos. Just don't include these photos. Your photos are the first thing anyone sees... they look at them and make an instant decision about whether or not to continue reading your profile (if they even bother reading profiles), so maybe don't put up a photo that's going to make them think you're a jackass or an unclassy girl.
Unfortunately for you, there are more mistakes to be made in your profile. Guys in particular have a habit of choosing a headline that might be funny to other guys, but definitely isn't funny to girls. Ironically, it's isn't guys that you're trying to impress here, so maybe get a clue and put something a bit less immature or dirty in your headline. I know it's tough to think of something to put in that mandatory box, but if you want to get a girl's attention and keep it, don't throw the guy jokes in the headline! Ladies, bitter and/or vindictive profiles are not good... I don't care if you still have issues left over from the last guy that you crossed paths with, it's not the potential new guy's problem. You're just going to scare him away with your bitterness, and trust me, it does show in your profile. Also, don't swear like a sailor/trucker in your profile, it's just not attractive. Girls shouldn't (but do) show their low self-esteem by making comments about themselves that might be derogatory, self-deprecating, or just negative... guys do this too sometimes, but much less often. Unless you expect someone to fix you (and you shouldn't, it's not their job to), there is no reason to talk about yourself that way.
Do not, at any time in your profile (or messages!), tell someone who they should be. Don't say "you need to be this" or "you need to be that" . No, I don't, she doesn't, and he doesn't. You need your partner to be those things. Feel free to reword those sentences to "It's very important than my partner love dogs, as I have three" or "I have a beautiful little girl, so I really need a partner who can get along with children", but don't have the balls to tell us what we need to be. Also don't tell them who they can't be. Please state what is a deal breaker for you "I won't date a smoker, because I'm allergic to cigarette smoke" or "I'm not interested in being with a heavy drinker or someone into drugs, or anyone with children". You'll notice those are worded as being your issue, not theirs. The closest I come to telling someone what to be in my profile is telling them to be themselves. Imagine having the nerve to tell someone who to be. You can stick that where the sun doesn't shine, my friend. Get it? Got it? Good.
Last but certainly not least... grammar. You're at least 18 years of age. You've attended at least a few years of school, maybe even graduated, perhaps you have a post-secondary degree. So why, pray tell, can you not spell? Please don't write your profile in 'txt speak'... the odd lol is fine and dandy, but please use full words and proper sentence structure, capitalization, punctuation, and spacing in your profile AND messages. No one wants to spend all night trying to decipher the cryptic message that is your profile. It's like trying to read the bloody hieroglyphics. Or Russian. Or any language foreign to you for that matter. Spelling isn't that hard, and there are ways to make sure you're not messing it up. Believe it or not, most browsers (thats the internet window you have open... Safari, IE, Mozzilla, Firefox, etc) have spell check on them. Use it.
Now, as for messaging, there are so many mistakes made. First off, don't ever send a message that consists of "hey, how's it going?". Those never move past a fourth message because you haven't given the other person anything to work with. If you can't carry a conversation, internet dating might not be the best choice for you, since the entire interaction starts out with conversation. There's nothing more annoying than receiving a message from someone (perhaps it said 'hey how's it going?"), not replying, and getting a message from the same person a few days later. This mistake is made even better when you message the same person multiple times (with no response) with the same damn message. Have you ever thought that the poor message was the problem? Change it, write a real message, and see what happens, or leave the person alone, they clearly don't want to talk to you. Also, please don't send a generic message... or one that you've pre written and just copied and pasted into every message you've sent to various people. They can tell.
As a general rule of thumb, girls don't want to talk to guys younger than them. This is particularly true of a college graduate being messaged by a fresh out of high school 18 year old guy. Please try to stick within a reasonable age range. Some girls do like younger guys, but generally, not so much. Also, an early 20's girl probably doesn't want to be getting messages from 30 somethings. Just use your common sense (if that exists anymore), and message someone of an appropriate age. Don't be a creeper.
One huge mistake is to make your first message to someone (this is called first contact) about yourself. Don't just write a blurb about yourself and say "hope to hear from you". Write something that can engage/start a conversation... no one wants a message about you, that's what you're profile is for. If the person wants to know about you, they'll read the profile or ask. Also don't have the balls (guys or girls) to call someone by a term of endearment in the first couple of messages (or really prior to meeting at all). I'm not (nor is anyone else you've just sent your first message to) your hun, babe, sweety, cutie, baby, sexy, etc. You can tell him or her that you think they are a real cutie, or pretty, gorgeous, handsome, attractive, sexy, etc. But please, never refer to them as those things in place of their name. "Hey babe", is typically not something people want to hear from someone they don't know.
Don't be cocky or arrogant. No one likes a douche, or a self-centered girl. It's not an attractive quality. Learn the line between confidence and cockiness, and you'll be good. Try not to toe the line too much. Don't argue with someone in these messages, or insult them. That's just ridiculous, and completely uncalled for. Also don't make assumptions about the other person, prior to speaking to them, especially if you're making these assumptions based on a profile that's as vague as yours. Do not ask, after one returned message, for someone's phone number, MSN (do people still use that?), email address, facebook, myspace, etc. Boundaries exist for a reason, and the sites tell you not to put up your full name, address, email, phone number, etc, for a reason. Also, do not give out this information if someone asks for it so soon.
Never ask anyone if they're looking for some late night fun, if you haven't read the "looking for/interested in/seeking" section of their profile. Chances are the answer is no, and you're just going to lower someone else's confidence in finding someone on that seemingly ridiculous site.
One of the biggest (and most annoying) mistakes is that people message people without reading their profile first. I don't care if my profile is the length of a novella, I've told you a bunch of pieces of key information that you don't need to ask me again in your message. There's a lot in there, use it to your advantage. Another bad idea is asking these two stupid questions. 1) "So what brings you to this site?" Pretty sure I'm here for the same reason as everyone else here. 2)"So how is this site working out for you?" Well, I'm still here, aren't I?
And one of the most obvious mistakes is never messaging anyone. You can't expect to meet anyone if you don't initiate some sort of contact with them. If you're too shy to send a message, add them to your favourites list, indicate that you'd like to meet them, or at the very least change your profile settings to allow people to see that you've viewed their profile, so they know you exist. It's hard for someone to send a message to someone they don't know exists.
Once you start talking to someone, and you've been talking for a while (but maybe haven't met yet, or maybe you have, either way), there are more mistakes. Don't talk too often/frequently, or too much, right away. You'll run out of things to say after a week and a half if you do. Don't get too invested... yes you've put some time into talking with this person, but you don't have to end up with them... you don't have to feel like you need to see it through. Don't get too attached! This makes you clingy and needy, and no one likes that... they'll get scared away, and you'll be left feeling dejected. Don't act like you're in a relationship after meeting once. Don't let yourself get jealous of other people he or she spends time with... they aren't your partner yet. Don't start talking about your future together after one week of talking. Don't spend your days asking random questions... this is just annoying. Don't flake out on the first date, and don't lead them on if you're really not interested.
More don'ts. Don't meet in a private place, this is just stupid and dangerous, and definitely do not get into the other person's car on the first date. Absolutely do not send nude/revealing/sexual pictures of yourself to someone you don't know very well, via text message, email, etc. Also, don't do cybersex... this verges on creepy, and should be a red flag if someone asks you do it. Don't move to fast... no one wants to be rushed into a relationship. Ladies, don't chase him... men are hardwired to chase, let him do it. Ladies, never pay for him on the first date... he can buy his own dinner, if not yours as well. Men, don't be so brass as to ask her to pay for you. Get real.
Don't write someone off before giving them a chance, but also don't settle for someone who's absolutely not your type. You're not desperate, and the right one will come along, even if they're only mr/ms right now. Do not be fake... no one likes fake people. And most of all, don't be afraid of getting hurt. It could happen, but it might not.
How to be successful at online dating
Now, this post wouldn't be complete without a list of do's. Use photos of you doing things you love, photos of you with your friends having fun (but remember to point out which person you are!), with your pets, on vacation, whatever shows the world who you are. Write the damn profile. Are you that lazy that you can't write two paragraphs about yourself? Talk about yourself, without bragging. Talk about memorable times in your life, the things you enjoy, trips you've been on, and the things you value. Talk about what makes you unique (not in an arrogant, cocky way). Let everyone know who you are, the unique combination of things you like, your personalities traits... you know, what makes you, you. Oh, and if you're funny, don't be afraid to make your profile a bit humourous! Be honest and truthful, the lies won't get you anywhere because it all comes out eventually. Don't waste everyone's time with your silly lies. Read the person's profile! You can prove you've done so by including a comment or question about something mentioned in the profile. Even better is to comment on multiple things from various parts of the profile, which proves that you took the time to read the whole thing. Know the kind of person you're going to attract based on what you put in your profile and the pictures you included... if you're photos a revealing, you'll probably get a certain type of person messaging you... make sure that's who you want a message from. Use spellcheck. And maybe a dictionary or thesaurus. Or at least have a friend proof read it... or hey, maybe your mom could do it for you.
Always meet for the first time on neutral territory, at a mall, bowling, a dog park, coffee shop (preferably not where your friend works...), etc, where there are other people. Laugh and have fun on your date... and just BE YOURSELF. There's nothing more attractive than someone who knows who they are. Mostly just do the exact opposite of everything I told you was a mistake... all while still being yourself (it's not as hard as it sounds... it just about using common sense).
And remember. It's called a conversation. Try it sometime.
Now that you have these guidelines set out for you, maybe, just maybe, we can cycle out all of those people who've been around for months and bring in some fresh meat... and have the same problem all over again.
B.
