As 2012 winds down, and 2013 peeks at us from around the corner, I want to wish you all a marvelous new year. I also hope that your 2013 is all you've ever hoped for, that you chase your dreams, and grow as a person. Personally, I hope 2013 is far more enjoyable than 2012, because my year was not one of my favourites.
But in addition to that, I would like to give you a few words of advice, to the young and the old. The first is this: Never give up on who you want to be. No one else defines you, no one can tell you who you are. It is never too late to be the person you want to be. If that means following your dreams, learning something new, changing something about yourself (like quitting a bad habit, for example!), changing careers, going back to school, starting a family, or whatever it may be, then please go and do that! No more waiting!
The second thing I'd like to say is this: Don't change for anybody. Don't change to make them happy if it will make you miserable. I know it seems like a loving, sweet thing to do, changing for someone you love. But your relationship will suffer if you do. If they expect you to change, they're asking an awful lot of you. If you change but didn't want to, you'll come to resent the other person and your relationship will begin to fade. Small changes and compromise are necessary, but don't change who you are just to please someone. And certainly don't change to please the masses. That being said, if you're entirely insane and doing harm to other people, please DO change. That's actually going to benefit you (as well as the rest of us...), believe it or not.
Don't drink too much tonight, and definitely don't drink and drive. Just don't do it... there's no reason to end one year and start another by doing something you'll regret. Please, just be responsible, don't endanger your life or someone else's. I can't emphasize this enough.
And one last thing I want to touch on is this... and prepare yourself, this is going to go on for a while in this post. Please, kids, go back to being kids and don't worry about growing up so fast. Realize what is and isn't appropriate for the internet, I beg of you. And be careful, for the love of all that is good in this world, with what you do with whom.
What's prompting me to ask these things of you? Tumblr would be the simplest answer, but there really is no simple answer. I recently got sucked into Tumblr, and found myself scrolling through a couple of tags for a band that I listen to. And in the process I got bombarded with countless "fanfics" as they are called. Now, fanfics are nothing new, they're just stories created by fans based on television shows, movies, bands, celebrities, books, etc. But here's the thing... it's being taken to an unhealthy level these days.
Fanfics have become disturbingly graphic, and the fanfics I skimmed over were no exception. The part that worries me is that many of these fanfics are being written by young teenagers, who should be far more concerned with homework and who their best friend is dating these days. They shouldn't be writing about sex and alcohol and one-night stands. Whatever happened to being a kid?
And I sort of get it, I mean, 50 Shades of Grey was originally a fanfic, wasn't it? Just look at how that turned out for E.L. James... she's a hit. As someone who loves writing, myself, I would never tell anyone to stop writing. I think that if it's something you're passionate about, you should write. But please, don't expect your fanfic to turn into the next 50 Shades of Grey. Particularly if you're writing it based on real people. You can't really believe that any celebrity's management team would allow you to publish a book using their client as a character. It will never happen.
And to make matters worse, the writing quality (remember these are often 15-16 year olds writing these fanfics) is far below what is bearable for most readers over the age of 20. So while these kids are writing content more appropriate for the 20+ crowd, the writing itself is not acceptable to that crowd. Poor wording, minimal vocabulary, writing in teenage language that seems to undermine the English language, bad grammar, and ridiculous writing style just make these fanfics annoying clutter on the internet. Please remember - I'm not saying don't write! Just work harder, make it worth reading! If this is what you want, then do it with all that you are, don't half-ass it, thinking you're better than everyone else. I love to read, and I have nothing against fanfics. What I do have something against, is terrible writing. There are some very good fanfics out there, ones worth reading, ones that are well-written, imaginative, and age-appropriate. To those of you writing those, good for you! Keep on writing! Some of you are older (read that as my age perhaps, or already settled well into you life), and write fanfic too, that's awesome. Please do be wary of who your readership consists of though! Quality writing is always worth reading, don't be discouraged.
*And I'm not saying be like E.L. James. How she became so well-known is beyond me. Her books aren't good, and her writing is sub-par (how old is she, anyways? It reads like a 16 year old wrote it...). No offense, but you won't find me reading 50 Shades of Grey in this lifetime. I'd rather read fanfics written by 15 year olds because at least the poor writing would be understandable and there would be hope of improvement in the future. I'd like to know who edited 50 Shades of Grey too...*
Anyways, back to what I was saying. If you're between the ages of thirteen and seventeen, and you're writing graphic fan-fiction and posting it on the internet, please rethink what you are doing. Your internet accounts have your information attached to them, and if you're like most young girls, you probably don't think twice about giving out your name. Writing these sorts of stories sends a certain message about yourselves to predators. It will also come back to bite you in the bum when you're older. Even if you come to your senses and delete them. You may think you've deleted them, but those stories are never really gone from the internet. You'll go to apply for a job, your prospective boss googles you, and up pops your graphic fanfic. Good luck getting that job.
Here's how else it could affect you. So lets say 25 years pass... you're now 40 years old, and you have a 15 year old daughter (or son, whichever). You're talking about the music you used to love, or the books you used to love, or even your favourite movie. Having never heard of your favourite band, she googles them, only to find myriad fanfics depicting various sexual acts in a very detailed manner. Imagine she comes across your fanfic. Mortifying? Probably. Embarrassing? Definitely. Appropriate? Not in the slightest.
Here's the thing... internet websites like Tumblr don't have the ability to stop young girls from reading anything that pops up in a tag. All I did was search one person's name and I was bombarded with sexual comments (not even in fanfics, just comments in general!), fanfics, and whatever this new trend of 'shipping' is. Frankly, I'm old enough to discern what is and isn't appropriate content for the internet (and truthfully, old enough that none of it is inappropriate for me to read), and even I found it disturbing. Parents should be concerned about what their children are writing and reading on the internet. You don't have to search hard to find this stuff.
I know you're probably thinking about sex, you are teenagers, but there's a massive difference between thinking about something and plastering it all over the internet for the world to see. So please, kids, hold off on writing this stuff for a couple of years until it's appropriate and you can write at a higher level of quality. Kids (and their parents), please be wary of what you read on the internet. Kids, please be careful of what you put out there on the internet, whether it be a fanfic, a comment, or just information about yourself. Don't role-play sexual scenes with someone you don't know, pretending to be your favourite celebrity... and most definitely don't do this on the internet where everyone, and I repeat EVERYONE can read it. Just be kids for now... worry about the butterflies you get when you're around that the boy (or girl) sitting three rows over from you in Math class. Worry about passing your final exams. Worry about what's for dinner and what you're best friend is wearing to the school dance. Don't concern yourself with the adult matters of sex and all it's graphic details to the extend that you write stories of them and post them for the world to see.
And on that note, let's all bid 2012 farewell and and welcome 2013 with open arms. I'll see you all in the new year!
December 31, 2012
December 27, 2012
Miscommunication and How to Understand One Another Better
Sometimes we forget that not everyone thinks the same way we do. Not everyone understand the world the same way you do. And for that matter, not everyone's world is the same as ours. So occasionally we find ourselves arguing, fighting, angry at one another over something that shouldn't have been a big deal at all.
Not long ago, I had one of the most frustrating conversations of my life. It spanned more than a dozen emails over three days and involved a lot of frustration on both sides of the discussion. By the end of it we finally agreed that we had suffered from a serious bout of miscommunication and came to an understanding. But at the time, we were furiously writing down our relative sides, trying to make the other person understand.
I felt that the other party wasn't understanding what I was saying. I was trying so hard to explain the way I felt and what I know to be right for me with regards to the topic at hand. He felt that I was disregarding what he was saying, not believing him. The difference lay in the fact that I was explaining me, and he was explaining his opinion. Two different things. One, the opinion, is up for debate and discussion. The other, a.k.a. me, was not a debatable topic. We both got defensive and things got a bit heated, until we finally figured out how to word what we wanted to say in a manner that would register understanding with the other person. All is well now, but I know I'm not the only one who has conversations like this.
Perhaps it starts out as a friendly debate, and then someone strikes a chord, or finally crosses a line, and defenses spring into action, calling the troupes to battle. You start to talk louder, hoping that it will finally make sense if they just hear it at a higher volume. They start flailing their arms around, hoping that pantomime will clear up the things that seem to be flying right over your head. Or maybe someone's just downright offended and gets angry over it. Friendships have been severed, relationships cut off too soon, and family bonds broken over miscommunications. Needlessly so, I might add.
So the next time you feel like this, or you see someone else starting to react this way, take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate how you're explaining what you're trying to convey. Maybe the other person doesn't think the same way you do. Perhaps what you're saying makes perfect sense to you (and it should, since your mind is the one that thought of it...), but that doesn't mean what you're saying makes sense to anyone outside of your head. Ask for a break from the conversation if you think that writing it down or mulling it over could help you make more sense to the other person.
Better yet, ask the other person how this conversation or argument is making them feel... what is it that they're struggling with (please note, wording this as "What part of XYZ, don't you understand, idiot?!" is not an appropriate way to do this), what is it that they're explaining. It could be, like my situation, that you're talking about two different subsections of a topic. I find that when you stop defending your position, and explain how it's making you feel (and subsequently come to find out how the other person feels), you really find out why you're arguing, and where the miscommunication lies.
Now, here are two other things to consider in your friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships... two things that could very well reduce a bit of your frustration with one another, and increase you're mutual contentedness. Personality type and the five love languages (this doesn't just apply to romantic love, but also for friends and family!).
Personality type first, since it's sometimes considered more debatable. So there are sixteen different personality types under the MBTI, and you can find out yours (or an approximation of it anyways), from online tests, like this one and read up on that personality type. Now, of course, unless your friend, partner, family member, etc, takes the test too, it's not going to be too much help, but I thought I'd mention it anyways. Different personality types behave different ways, of course, and this inventory breaks personalities down into sixteen types. Understanding the different types can help you understand why your loved one behaves the way they do. You may find that you read up on someone's personality type and find yourself saying "s/he makes so much more sense now!". You'll be able to act in ways that the other person appreciates more (i.e., my personality type absolutely hates being lied to... so don't lie to me, please and thank you!), and you'll understand why they act the way they do toward you. It's interesting, and though not everyone agrees with personality typing, why not give it a go anyways?
The five love languages, on the other hand, will help you immensely. There's a book on the subject, but if you just want a quick test for it, click here. A lot of people think this sort of thing is just for couples, but most of us feel loved by others a certain way, regardless of who the other person is. The five love languages are "acts of service", "receiving gifts", "words of affirmation", "quality time", and "physical touch". Two people who have different primary love languages can often not feel loved by each other because they don't know how to love one another as they need to be love. Most of the time, we automatically express our love for another person in the way we'd like to have it expressed toward us. Unfortunately, if one person is a 'physical touch' person, and the other is an 'acts of service' individual, no one is going to be feeling loved. That doesn't mean that they can't show their love to one another, they just have to understand how to do so in a way that will actually make the other person feel loved in return.
Taking that little test isn't necessary... just ask the other person what sort of things make them feel loved. You know the five options, the explanations for each one (if you actually clicked on the website), and you know what makes you feel loved, so it's not impossible to open up the lines of communication with your partner, your friends, or your family, and start to appreciate (and understand) each other more.
I know it can be hard to open up to people and tell them how you really feel, being completely (but not brutally) honest with each other about this stuff, but perhaps if more people did so, we could minimize the number of unnecessary ends to friendships and relationships. Keep that in mind, and decide if being lazy and stubborn or your friendship/relationship is more important to you.
Not long ago, I had one of the most frustrating conversations of my life. It spanned more than a dozen emails over three days and involved a lot of frustration on both sides of the discussion. By the end of it we finally agreed that we had suffered from a serious bout of miscommunication and came to an understanding. But at the time, we were furiously writing down our relative sides, trying to make the other person understand.
I felt that the other party wasn't understanding what I was saying. I was trying so hard to explain the way I felt and what I know to be right for me with regards to the topic at hand. He felt that I was disregarding what he was saying, not believing him. The difference lay in the fact that I was explaining me, and he was explaining his opinion. Two different things. One, the opinion, is up for debate and discussion. The other, a.k.a. me, was not a debatable topic. We both got defensive and things got a bit heated, until we finally figured out how to word what we wanted to say in a manner that would register understanding with the other person. All is well now, but I know I'm not the only one who has conversations like this.
Perhaps it starts out as a friendly debate, and then someone strikes a chord, or finally crosses a line, and defenses spring into action, calling the troupes to battle. You start to talk louder, hoping that it will finally make sense if they just hear it at a higher volume. They start flailing their arms around, hoping that pantomime will clear up the things that seem to be flying right over your head. Or maybe someone's just downright offended and gets angry over it. Friendships have been severed, relationships cut off too soon, and family bonds broken over miscommunications. Needlessly so, I might add.
So the next time you feel like this, or you see someone else starting to react this way, take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate how you're explaining what you're trying to convey. Maybe the other person doesn't think the same way you do. Perhaps what you're saying makes perfect sense to you (and it should, since your mind is the one that thought of it...), but that doesn't mean what you're saying makes sense to anyone outside of your head. Ask for a break from the conversation if you think that writing it down or mulling it over could help you make more sense to the other person.
Better yet, ask the other person how this conversation or argument is making them feel... what is it that they're struggling with (please note, wording this as "What part of XYZ, don't you understand, idiot?!" is not an appropriate way to do this), what is it that they're explaining. It could be, like my situation, that you're talking about two different subsections of a topic. I find that when you stop defending your position, and explain how it's making you feel (and subsequently come to find out how the other person feels), you really find out why you're arguing, and where the miscommunication lies.
Now, here are two other things to consider in your friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships... two things that could very well reduce a bit of your frustration with one another, and increase you're mutual contentedness. Personality type and the five love languages (this doesn't just apply to romantic love, but also for friends and family!).
Personality type first, since it's sometimes considered more debatable. So there are sixteen different personality types under the MBTI, and you can find out yours (or an approximation of it anyways), from online tests, like this one and read up on that personality type. Now, of course, unless your friend, partner, family member, etc, takes the test too, it's not going to be too much help, but I thought I'd mention it anyways. Different personality types behave different ways, of course, and this inventory breaks personalities down into sixteen types. Understanding the different types can help you understand why your loved one behaves the way they do. You may find that you read up on someone's personality type and find yourself saying "s/he makes so much more sense now!". You'll be able to act in ways that the other person appreciates more (i.e., my personality type absolutely hates being lied to... so don't lie to me, please and thank you!), and you'll understand why they act the way they do toward you. It's interesting, and though not everyone agrees with personality typing, why not give it a go anyways?
The five love languages, on the other hand, will help you immensely. There's a book on the subject, but if you just want a quick test for it, click here. A lot of people think this sort of thing is just for couples, but most of us feel loved by others a certain way, regardless of who the other person is. The five love languages are "acts of service", "receiving gifts", "words of affirmation", "quality time", and "physical touch". Two people who have different primary love languages can often not feel loved by each other because they don't know how to love one another as they need to be love. Most of the time, we automatically express our love for another person in the way we'd like to have it expressed toward us. Unfortunately, if one person is a 'physical touch' person, and the other is an 'acts of service' individual, no one is going to be feeling loved. That doesn't mean that they can't show their love to one another, they just have to understand how to do so in a way that will actually make the other person feel loved in return.
Taking that little test isn't necessary... just ask the other person what sort of things make them feel loved. You know the five options, the explanations for each one (if you actually clicked on the website), and you know what makes you feel loved, so it's not impossible to open up the lines of communication with your partner, your friends, or your family, and start to appreciate (and understand) each other more.
I know it can be hard to open up to people and tell them how you really feel, being completely (but not brutally) honest with each other about this stuff, but perhaps if more people did so, we could minimize the number of unnecessary ends to friendships and relationships. Keep that in mind, and decide if being lazy and stubborn or your friendship/relationship is more important to you.
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