Facing Decisions

It’s officially (weather-wise) summer here, and I am regretting a decision I made. Actually, I‘ve realized a number of mistakes I‘ve made and I‘m feeling the stress associated with them. I made the decision to turn down a job that I’d been wanting for the past year. It would have taken me away from my home for a few months, away from my horses, and away from the few people I can call friends. And I chose not to go. Now I wish I was anywhere but here. I sat out on my porch last night, and watched the darkening sky. One lone star twinkling in the distance. The smell of the night surrounding me. Cool air engulfing me, taking my mind off of matters that I can’t seem to wash away. The dogs silently sleeping in their cages inside the house, within viewing distance. And I slid the door shut behind me and listened to the neighbours across the street talking and having fun on a Sunday night. The calm stillness of the night washed over me and I resisted the urge to go for a walk. And I was reminded of why I sleep with my window open every night from the first evening it’s warm enough outside to leave it open. And my flowers and strawberry plants wouldn’t face the frost last night, and today they bloomed for the first time in a month. For once, for what seemed like the first time in ages, my mind was a blank slate. Free of all thoughts and worries. Free of concern. Free of wonder. And I was returned to a state of comfort and amazement at what silence and nature can do. But then I was reminded that, had I taken that job, I would have felt that cool air and beautiful calmness every night.

Having returned to my room, I found myself listening to the never ending sound of my neighbour’s air conditioner… quite possibly the only one in the entire town… wondering why I have the misfortune of being the one whose bedroom window is directly across from the deafening machine. I’ve know my neighbour for years now, and I have never been so happy to see a neighbour uncomfortable, than I was when that A/C machine broke down last summer. I often wonder if perhaps a well aimed shot with a water gun will solve the issue.

I suppose the point of making a mistake is to learn from it, but when you make multiple mistakes over the years and realized them all at once, things seem bleak for a while. I’ve been angry enough with myself these past few days that it’s time I try to fix whatever I can and move on with it all. There is no use dwelling on past decisions, after all. I will return to my never ending worry of the future. Hopefully in the morning, because I’ve grown tired of lying awake in bed thinking about everything instead of sleeping.