Miscommunication and How to Understand One Another Better

Sometimes we forget that not everyone thinks the same way we do. Not everyone understand the world the same way you do. And for that matter, not everyone's world is the same as ours. So occasionally we find ourselves arguing, fighting, angry at one another over something that shouldn't have been a big deal at all.

Not long ago, I had one of the most frustrating conversations of my life. It spanned more than a dozen emails over three days and involved a lot of frustration on both sides of the discussion. By the end of it we finally agreed that we had suffered from a serious bout of miscommunication and came to an understanding. But at the time, we were furiously writing down our relative sides, trying to make the other person understand.

I felt that the other party wasn't understanding what I was saying. I was trying so hard to explain the way I felt and what I know to be right for me with regards to the topic at hand. He felt that I was disregarding what he was saying, not believing him. The difference lay in the fact that I was explaining me, and he was explaining his opinion. Two different things. One, the opinion, is up for debate and discussion. The other, a.k.a. me, was not a debatable topic. We both got defensive and things got a bit heated, until we finally figured out how to word what we wanted to say in a manner that would register understanding with the other person. All is well now, but I know I'm not the only one who has conversations like this.

Perhaps it starts out as a friendly debate, and then someone strikes a chord, or finally crosses a line, and defenses spring into action, calling the troupes to battle. You start to talk louder, hoping that it will finally make sense if they just hear it at a higher volume. They start flailing their arms around, hoping that pantomime will clear up the things that seem to be flying right over your head. Or maybe someone's just downright offended and gets angry over it. Friendships have been severed, relationships cut off too soon, and family bonds broken over miscommunications. Needlessly so, I might add.

So the next time you feel like this, or you see someone else starting to react this way, take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate how you're explaining what you're trying to convey. Maybe the other person doesn't think the same way you do. Perhaps what you're saying makes perfect sense to you (and it should, since your mind is the one that thought of it...), but that doesn't mean what you're saying makes sense to anyone outside of your head. Ask for a break from the conversation if you think that writing it down or mulling it over could help you make more sense to the other person.

Better yet, ask the other person how this conversation or argument is making them feel... what is it that they're struggling with (please note, wording this as "What part of XYZ, don't you understand, idiot?!" is not an appropriate way to do this), what is it that they're explaining. It could be, like my situation, that you're talking about two different subsections of a topic. I find that when you stop defending your position, and explain how it's making you feel (and subsequently come to find out how the other person feels), you really find out why you're arguing, and where the miscommunication lies.

Now, here are two other things to consider in your friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships... two things that could very well reduce a bit of your frustration with one another, and increase you're mutual contentedness. Personality type and the five love languages (this doesn't just apply to romantic love, but also for friends and family!).

Personality type first, since it's sometimes considered more debatable. So there are sixteen different personality types under the MBTI, and you can find out yours (or an approximation of it anyways), from online tests, like this one and read up on that personality type. Now, of course, unless your friend, partner, family member, etc, takes the test too, it's not going to be too much help, but I thought I'd mention it anyways. Different personality types behave different ways, of course, and this inventory breaks personalities down into sixteen types. Understanding the different types can help you understand why your loved one behaves the way they do. You may find that you read up on someone's personality type and find yourself saying "s/he makes so much more sense now!". You'll be able to act in ways that the other person appreciates more (i.e., my personality type absolutely hates being lied to... so don't lie to me, please and thank you!), and you'll understand why they act the way they do toward you. It's interesting, and though not everyone agrees with personality typing, why not give it a go anyways?

The five love languages, on the other hand, will help you immensely. There's a book on the subject, but if you just want a quick test for it, click here. A lot of people think this sort of thing is just for couples, but most of us feel loved by others a certain way, regardless of who the other person is. The five love languages are "acts of service", "receiving gifts", "words of affirmation", "quality time", and "physical touch". Two people who have different primary love languages can often not feel loved by each other because they don't know how to love one another as they need to be love. Most of the time, we automatically express our love for another person in the way we'd like to have it expressed toward us. Unfortunately, if one person is a 'physical touch' person, and the other is an 'acts of service' individual, no one is going to be feeling loved. That doesn't mean that they can't show their love to one another, they just have to understand how to do so in a way that will actually make the other person feel loved in return.

Taking that little test isn't necessary... just ask the other person what sort of things make them feel loved. You know the five options, the explanations for each one (if you actually clicked on the website), and you know what makes you feel loved, so it's not impossible to open up the lines of communication with your partner, your friends, or your family, and start to appreciate (and understand) each other more.

I know it can be hard to open up to people and tell them how you really feel, being completely (but not brutally) honest with each other about this stuff, but perhaps if more people did so, we could minimize the number of unnecessary ends to friendships and relationships. Keep that in mind, and decide if being lazy and stubborn or your friendship/relationship is more important to you.